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diff --git a/usr.bin/fortune/datfiles/zippy b/usr.bin/fortune/datfiles/zippy new file mode 100644 index 000000000000..7c43436f93cf --- /dev/null +++ b/usr.bin/fortune/datfiles/zippy @@ -0,0 +1,1335 @@ +%% $FreeBSD$ +% + Talking Pinhead Blues: +Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel + TWENTY-SIX!! + +Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been + DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff) + +My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG + won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf) + +So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!! + (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh) +% +... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... +% +... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE. +% +... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q. +LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE! +% +... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN. +% +... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ... +% +-- I have seen the FUN -- +% +-- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away +now. I fed the cat. +% +... I see TOILET SEATS ... +% +... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common +MISAPPREHENSIONS ... +% +... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!! +% +... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within +SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!! +% +... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im +antiken Rom ... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche +PIZZA ... +% +... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate +man!! +% +... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM +of a KOSHER DELI -- +% +... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling +Alley!! +% +... Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!! +% +... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last +Tuesday? +% +... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued +OYSTER! Yum! +% +... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! +% +... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!! +% +A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!! +% +A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit! +% +A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume.. +% +A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled +with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight?? +% +Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!! +% +All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled +by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... +% +All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow +a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ... Although I don't know +WHY!! +% +All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat! +% +All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds! +% +All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT! +% +Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!! +% +Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN? +% +Am I elected yet? +% +Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet? +% +Am I SHOPLIFTING? +% +America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into +your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind ... +% +An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!! +% +An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS?? +% +An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES! +% +And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!! +% +ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO +MONTALBAN'S HAIR! +% +Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER? +% +Are we live or on tape? +% +Are we on STRIKE yet? +% +Are we THERE yet? +% +Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!! +% +Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut?? +% +Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!! +% +Are you still an ALCOHOLIC? +% +As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection! +% +Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY? +% +BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!! +% +Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away! +But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!! +% +BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY +WAY" I've ever heard!! +% +Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST. +% +BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ... +% +BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI- +% +Bo Derek ruined my life! +% +Boy, am I glad it's only 1971... +% +Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!! +% +But they went to MARS around 1953!! +% +But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade? +% +Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target +Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept. +% +Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead? +% +Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE? +% +Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger! +% +CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH! +% +Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!! +% +Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!! +% +Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS! Remember the SERIAL +NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!! Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn +LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!! JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!! +% +CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about +DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE?? +% +Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRON ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds +TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ... +% +Could I have a drug overdose? +% +Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in +a MALIBU HOT TUB? +% +Did I do an INCORRECT THING?? +% +Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus??? +% +Did I SELL OUT yet?? +% +Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA? +% +Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy? +% +DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL? +% +Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo? +% +Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahyde pipeline running +straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the +dollar! +% +Do I have a lifestyle yet? +% +Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space? +% +Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat?? +% +Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"? +% +Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days? +% +Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me? +% +does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS? +% +DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!! +Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!! +% +Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!! +% +Don't SANFORIZE me!! +% +Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ... +FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK +STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ... Are there any QUESTIONS?? +% +Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!! +% +Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!! +% +Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE'S COURT"!! +% +Everybody gets free BORSCHT! +% +Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale or a +disaster Movie!! +% +Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ... +% +Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of +OFFSET PRINTING? +% +FEELINGS are cascading over me!!! +% +Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty +dining room. +% +First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ... So +just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!! +% +FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!! +% +for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!! +% +Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my +gothic solarium!! +% +FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ... +% +FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!! +% +Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my +satellite dish PAYMENTS! +% +Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ... +% +Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!! +% +Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!! +% +GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my +pet LEISURE SUIT!! +% +HAIR TONICS, please!! +% +Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste! +% +Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for +today! +% +Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ... Now, it's +time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!! +% +He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him -- +% +He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me +like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd like to +PSYCHOLOGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING +MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess I should call AL PACINO! +% +Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I +guess ... +% +Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan +females!! +% +Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! World War III? No +thanks! +% +Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES +being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!! +% +HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!! +% +Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!! +% +HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death! +% +Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample +bottles ... +% +Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!! +% +Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN +anywhere!! +% +Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment? +% +Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!! +% +Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce! +% +Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some +drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!! +% +Hmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a +TROLLEY-CAR ... +% +Hmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted +island, when ... +% +Hmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET +FIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ... +% +Hmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL +CHLORIDE ... +% +Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ... +% +HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!! +% +How do I get HOME? +% +How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions? It's th' +MOUSTACHE ... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY, +HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce +to NANCY SINATRA! +% +How many retired bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL +SHARPENERS right NOW?? +% +How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS?? +% +How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism? +% +hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub. +% +HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!! +% +HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ... +% +I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!! +% +I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut. +% +I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927! +% +I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller! +% +I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST! +% +I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN? +% +I am NOT a nut.... +% +I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!! +% +I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!! +% +I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! +% +I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! I wonder if BOB +GUCCIONE has these problems! +% +I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of +LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ... +% +I demand IMPUNITY! +% +I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO! +% +I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE ... I think it's all +just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell +more numbers!! +% +I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in +my read molars ... +% +I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!! +% +I feel ... JUGULAR ... +% +I feel better about world problems now! +% +I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon! +% +I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSHCHEV ... +% +I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!! +% +I feel partially hydrogenated! +% +I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the +"WATCHTOWER" and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ... They look NICE +in the yard ... +% +I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ... +% +I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING! +% +I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ... +% +I had pancake makeup for brunch! +% +I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD +% +I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you. +% +I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!! +% +I have accepted Provolone into my life! +% +I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS.. +% +I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... +% +I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the +INSTRUCTIONS ... +% +I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!! +% +I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because +my viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!! +% +I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling +every day from Oral Roberts!! +% +I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ... +% +I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to +live!! +% +I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ... +% +I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half your life +savings in yeast!! +% +I invented skydiving in 1989! +% +I joined scientology at a garage sale!! +% +I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! +% +I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he +is ... +% +I just had a NOSE JOB!! +% +I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON! +% +I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch +with my LEISURE SUIT!! +% +I just remembered something about a TOAD! +% +I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW +on the SIDE? +% +I Know A Joke +% +I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!! +% +I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!! +% +I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!! +% +I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!! +% +I like the way ONLY their mouths move ... They look like DYING OYSTERS +% +I like your SNOOPY POSTER!! +% +I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in +1965!! +% +I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio +SLEAZEBALLS!! +% +I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!! +% +I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank! +% +I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROL +legislation.. +% +I represent a sardine!! +% +I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers! +% +I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"! +% +I smell a RANCID CORN DOG! +% +I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day! +% +I think I am an overnight sensation right now!! +% +I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while +reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!! +% +I think my career is ruined! +% +I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH +RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!! +% +I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!! +% +I want a WESSON OIL lease!! +% +I want another RE-WRITE on my CAESAR SALAD!! +% +I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n +secure!! +% +I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres. +% +I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE +and WHEAT THINS ... +% +I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!! +% +I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!! +% +I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ... +% +I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!! +% +I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY +... BACKWARDS!! +% +I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in +formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with +me -- +% +I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution! +% +I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus! +% +I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!! +% +I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog! +% +I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems! +% +I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world? +% +I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE +STRANGER? +% +I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!! +% +I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight? +% +I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool -- +% +I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried! +% +I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE -- +% +If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for +MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a +GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!! +% +If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old +houseboy ... +% +If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again! +% +If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be +replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET! +% +If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT! +% +If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!! +% +If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST! +% +if it GLISTENS, gobble it!! +% +If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun! +% +If Robert De Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry +Bonzo?? +% +I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!! +% +I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ... +% +I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany +% +I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN +SONTAG!! +% +I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex! +% +I'm also against BODY-SURFING!! +% +I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!! +% +I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!! +% +I'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCO +MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"! +% +I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!! +% +I'm definitely not in Omaha! +% +I'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this +miniature DOMED STADIUM ... +% +I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late... +% +I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!! +% +I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!! +% +I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!! +% +I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!! +% +I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!! +% +I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS! +% +I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS +% +I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!! +% +I'm having an emotional outburst!! +% +I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in +my PAJAMA POCKET?? +% +I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and +wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ... +% +I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!! +% +I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS. +% +I'm into SOFTWARE! +% +I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my +PERSONAL SPACE!! +% +I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead? Where's ROD +STERLING when you really need him? +% +I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!! +% +I'm not available for comment.. +% +I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly?? +% +I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO +MONTALBAN! +% +I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife +and two children stand QUIETLY BY ... +% +I'm rated PG-34!! +% +I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!! +% +I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!! Equip me with +MISSILES!! +% +I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do the Latin +Hustle now! +% +I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!! +% +I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM +... I'm VIBRATORY ... +% +I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated +IMAGE FORMATIONS ... +% +I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of +CHICKEN ... +% +I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER +WORKINGS of this POTATO!! +% +I'm wearing PAMPERS!! +% +I'm wet! I'm wild! +% +I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR +REGIONS! +% +I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode. +% +In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental +Belt," for $10.99!! +% +In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day! +% +INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!! +% +Inside, I'm already SOBBING! +% +Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? Or are we suffering in +Safeway? +% +Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders?? Is the FROG +his GUIDELIGHT?? It is curious that a DOG runs already on the +ESCALATOR ... +% +Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one +wild afternoon?? +% +Is it clean in other dimensions? +% +Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a +plate of SAUCE MORNAY? +% +Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN? +% +Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"? +% +Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy? +% +Is this TERMINAL fun? +% +Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also +makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR? +% +Isn't this my STOP?! +% +It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!! +% +It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages from DAVID +LETTERMAN!! YOW!! +% +It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!? +% +It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!! +% +It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA +in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making +FRENCH TOAST! +% +It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too. +% +It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!! +% +I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ... +% +I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your +SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!! +% +I've read SEVEN MILLION books!! +% +JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level +of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ... +% +Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!! +% +Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ... +% +Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be +carried too FAR! +% +Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA, +PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!! +% +Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ... um ... um ... th' washing machine +is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!! +% +LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??! +% +Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a +SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your +ASHTRAYS ... +% +Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ... +% +Let's all show human CONCERN for REVEREND MOON's legal difficulties!! +% +Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories! +% +Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!! +% +Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!! +% +Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!! +% +Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich! +% +LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of +Seagulls" HAIRCUTS! +% +Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a +HIGHBALL?? ... +% +Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge +card! +% +Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!! +% +Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a +cheap hotel in HONOLULU! +% +Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE -- +% +MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician! +% +MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION! +% +Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the +shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!! I'm about to swallow a +TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and +SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE, +BABY LAMBS fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded +animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!! For DESSERT, +I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS on a stone-ground, WHOLE +WHEAT BUN!! +% +Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of +the INDONESIAN archipelago? +% +My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!! +% +My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE +FUNCTION and full kitchen!! +% +My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New +York!! +% +My EARS are GONE!! +% +My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's +care!!!! +% +My haircut is totally traditional! +% +MY income is ALL disposable! +% +My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ... +% +My life is a patio of fun! +% +My mind is a potato field ... +% +My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ... +% +My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ... +% +my NOSE is NUMB! +% +My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!! +% +My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift! +% +My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!! +% +My vaseline is RUNNING... +% +NANCY!! Why is everything RED?! +% +NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!! They're VOIDED -- They +COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They +did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but +they were OFF-KEY ... +% +NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!! +% +Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! +% +Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ... +in PAIN!!! +% +Now I am depressed ... +% +Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST +BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER! +% +Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"! +% +Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the +BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!! +% +Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World +War II! +% +Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beautiful, round wives of +HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached +by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ... +% +Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ... +% +Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!! +% +Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING +and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!! +% +Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!! +% +Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE -- +% +Oh, I get it!! "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY?? +% +Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!! +% +Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR +DEAD CAT LOVERS" ... +% +OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED +R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!! +% +OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O +and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if +it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S +the WASHING MACHINES? +% +On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS +PHILBIN ... It's GREAT to be ALIVE!! +% +On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL +QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!! +% +On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a +POINT. +% +Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION +statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was +completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely +amusing SIT-COM pilots!! We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we +finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled +snack cakes! +% +Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of +DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY +VALUES!! +% +ONE: I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to + the downtown PLASMA CENTER ... +TWO: I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ... +THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!! +% +One FISHWICH coming up!! +% +Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this +table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also +leave a GENEROUS TIP .... +% +over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ... +% +OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE and BEYOND +REPAIR!! +% +PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH? +% +Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your +BOOTH! +% +PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT. +% +PIZZA!! +% +Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the +Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES! +% +Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!! +% +Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!! +% +PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!! +% +Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! +% +RELATIVES!! +% +Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by +prescription!! +% +RHAPSODY in Glue! +% +SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS +... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes, +starring JANE FONDA!! +% +Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA +94140, USA +% +SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into +empty OIL DRUMS ... +% +Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley? +% +Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a +VASECTOMY?? +% +Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK +hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST? +% +Sign my PETITION. +% +So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL +INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 +SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!! +% +So this is what it feels like to be potato salad +% +someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN +% +Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!! +% +Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB +CHOP!! +% +Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a +batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!! +% +Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it +to Beaver"! +% +Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why? +% +TAILFINS!! ... click ... +% +TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash +Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?! +% +Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me to +Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!! +% +Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL +% +Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!! +% +The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth +the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!! +% +The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality -- +and have since BIRTH!! +% +The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my +SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!! +% +The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ... +% +The Korean War must have been fun. +% +The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at +dawn!!! +% +The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!! +% +The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!! But they went to MARS +around 1953!! +% +The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ... +% +There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS +in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!! +% +There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni! +% +These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!! +% +They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen +appeal! +% +This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!! +% +This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!! +% +This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up +against someone's MARTINI!! +% +This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!! +% +This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!! +% +This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE is +talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ... +% +Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD +SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!! +% +Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the +aesthetic modules -- +% +Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER +before his MAKEOVER! +% +Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ... +Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! +% +TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN?? +% +Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS! +% +UH-OH!! I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by +mistake!!! +% +UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a +NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha. +% +Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!! +% +UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS! +% +Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader +frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend? +% +Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE! +% +VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!! +% +Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and +TAX-DEFERRED! +% +Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat +Junction?? +% +Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!! +% +We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot +tub ... +% +We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR -- +% +We just joined the civil hair patrol! +% +We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home. +45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head! +% +Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I +HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE ... +EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!! +% +Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to +VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!! +% +Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES +ROOM ... +% +Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL +DESPAIR! +% +Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE? +% +What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized "SNOOTS OF THE STARS" dealer!! +% +What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY? +% +What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ... +% +What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf? +% +What PROGRAM are they watching? +% +What UNIVERSE is this, please?? +% +What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory? +% +When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or +DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it ... +% +When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ... +% +When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING? +% +When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING +BILL ... Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION +and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!! +% +Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER? +% +Where does it go when you flush? +% +Where's SANDY DUNCAN? +% +Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT?? +% +Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!! +% +While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit +priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!! +% +While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ... his +will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"! +% +WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?! +% +WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must be the +NEGATIVE IONS!! +% +Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me?? +% +Why don't you ever enter and CONTESTS, Marvin?? Don't you know your +own ZIPCODE? +% +Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex? +% +Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT +CENTER with you?? +% +Will it improve my CASH FLOW? +% +Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air? +% +Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease? +% +With YOU, I can be MYSELF ... We don't NEED Dan Rather ... +% +World War III? No thanks! +% +World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced +dress code! +% +Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it! +% +Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"! +% +Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON +MAIDEN concert? +% +YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN +DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!! +% +You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!! +% +You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th' +distinction between FANTASY and REALITY? +% +You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA? +% +YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!! +% +You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW +CAREER!! +% +You were s'posed to laugh! +% +Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS -- +% +Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental +attitudes! +% +Yow! +% +Yow! Am I having fun yet? +% +Yow! Am I in Milwaukee? +% +Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights! +% +Yow! Are we laid back yet? +% +Yow! Are we wet yet? +% +Yow! Are you the self-frying president? +% +Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?? +% +YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL! +% +YOW!!! I am having fun!!! +% +Yow! I just went below the poverty line! +% +Yow! I threw up on my window! +% +Yow! I want my nose in lights! +% +Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua! +% +Yow! I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel +mill! +% +Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce! +% +YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!! +% +Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof? +% +Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it?? +% +Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank! +% +Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping! +% +Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY -- +% +Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING +BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL! +% +YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM +laws!! +% +Yow! Now we can become alcoholics! +% +YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!! +% +Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!! +% +YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!! +% +Yow! We're going to a new disco! +% +YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth of +CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND! +% +Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ... +% |